Top 5 Ways To Ignore People On Whatsapp
Hey people I've decided to start a new weekly series called "Saturday Top 5". I guess the title is self explanatory and anyway, it shall be on a pilot basis. Here's the first post of the series.Please leave your feedback about the idea and suggestions as well for the next post in the series
With the advent of smart phones, the communications industry has taken a weird turn. As much as customers love free chat services, their annoyance is nearly the same. Just think about it. How many BBM status messages have sparked off controversies? How many times has the privacy invading "Last Seen At" feature lead to World War 3 like situations among friends, best friends, stalkers and stalkees alike? The option to ignore is nearly dead and it is in such desperate times, I sat down and devised a list of top 5 ways to ignore people on Whatsapp:
1. Shift to Viber or WeChat
Before you dismiss me as a sponsored reviewer, let me just add that these services are damn mediocre and as I typed this article on a Blackberry, please understand and sympathize when I say "GO BBM!”
That being said, these services are free and have added animated stickers/emoticons as well. Add the lack of "last seen at" feature, and we have a decent deal
2. Tell everyone you meet that your Whatsapp app is malfunctioning
Well you can come up with a tragic story how you had a controversial moment with your parents when Whatsapp showed that you were online at 3 AM while you slept at 11. Okay even if this didn't happen, it’s a pretty good alibi to feed to stalkers or annoying friends. How am I sure that this will work? Well it will because among all their many irritating qualities, one respectable and ironically creepy trait they posses is that he/she will always remember everything about you. So you can easily pawn off your high level of ignoring them on your proverbial "Stupid phone" and end it nicely with an "I REALLY NEED TO GET AN IPHONE"
3. Stay online all the time
This is something I recommend for people with really amazing phones. The ones with those glossy 1.6576347537 GHZ processors and stuff. Just leave Whatsapp on forever and leave it at that. You’ll be online 24/7(even when you take that long dump after last night's Chole Bhature).Sure you'll lose battery faster than Sreesanth saying Yes to bowl a no ball for an ice-cream and yes, your internet bill will give your parents a small cardiac arrest, but on the plus side, you can freely ignore people without a single drop of sweat!
4. Be sad when confronted
Okay this one really pans out for the sentiones. When someone gets angry over you ignoring them on Whatsapp(NOTE: Signs include capitalization of words and usage of the angry face smiley, not talking smiley and other 13 year old teen anger stuff), all you have to do is invent a problem and you're golden. You can even pretend that you were crying or were nursing a friend's heartbreak or any other nonsense. I know it sounds on the border of narcissism but it does work. Try being whiny as well. Nothing turns away clingy people better than whining. Well that is if we don't include "Don't shower for a week and giving them a hug after three hours of sweaty workout"
5. Karela Law them
Now let's set a landmark moment in history. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the biggest thing to happen this millennia after the death of George Carlin (check him out if you haven't. A true genius), the KARELA LAW. Well the law, in all its elegance is inspired from Barney's Lemon Law and reads as
"Ignorance or feigning of the afore mentioned emotion on chat services with regard to messages or any communication attempts by a person with another person shall be deemed socially acceptable with the simple mention of the Karela Law. Any arguments, fights, break-ups or other violence* inducing activities shall not gain basis in Karela Law situations"
*violence includes mental, physical, spiritual and all other kind of things Hitler would do. Or Gandhi won’t. Take your pick
Why the name Karela Law you ask? Well it had to be named analogous to the Lemon Law so I decided on Karela. For heaven's sake, it’s irritatingly bitter
Okay folks, got to run now, I need to update my Whatsapp status to "Writing a blog post" because the Apocalypse will hit the world if I don't tell my contact list that I am writing a blog post and the world will collapse.